Sunday, April 15, 2012
Ok. This, being the 200th post on this blog, was originally going to be something light-hearted & special. But something has happened that has upset the world of much of this blog's audience. I'm not brilliant with emotional words, but here's what's flowing through me right now.
Today we lost someone very special, who was a tempering influence and sometimes an ecstatic influence on many of us. A lot of us were close to her, and so many of us are hurt by events of chance that can only be called tragic.
I try not to make this selfishly about me, but that's the only perspective I have; mine. We were close, but I was also stupid. So I will say that I am torn up and confused, unable to quite piece together what has happened with events that were going to happen in a week's time, and what I'd been planning to say for weeks. That words and emotions I had rehearsed and thought about constantly just have no place to go anymore, and are collapsing in on themselves. There are things I would have wished to say, to do, to just clarify, but I can't. And me and the rest of the world are worse off.
I am dealing with this better than I thought I would, but am still trying to wrap my head around, utterly disbelieveing. I'm here for everyone else who has been hurt by this, because I know I needed someone, and I luckily had friends both close and afar who had me. And I know I'm not done hurting. But this isn't about ME. This is about all of us who have had something torn away some biological fluke that enrages me just thinking about it.
A year ago I suffered a sudden, sometimes terminal attack from my own body, and only spent days recuperating barely able to act or think. To think that this has taken someone we cared for and will now never see again doesn't make me thankful, but instead just makes me hate chance for taking someone so special away but sparing me. And then I realize I'm just being selfish again and want to scream and the hollowness aches more. And I know others are feeling this way. So my heart and my feelings go to everyone affected: this was unfair and terrible, and I'm so sorry there's nothing we can do to fix this but keep going.
And I understand the process of not naming her, which I'm being careful to do even now, due to family and various other factors. But the hysteria and pain this anonymous death has caused to people out of the loop, let alone people who barely, if not never knew her, has only gone on to make it worse to deal with, and to prove that someone so special could cause such grief by simply not being here any more.
So here's her favourite picture of mine, Toby from Halo Jones. Whatever happens to the original now, I personally know the emotions this picture conjured up in her and me, and that's what matters.
I'm so sorry you're gone. I, and everyone else, feel hollow without you.